Renovations of the Heart
When I was out for my morning walk today, as I approached home, I sat down on a bench next to the playground. It was empty of its regular visitors, so the space was quiet and very peaceful. I took the opportunity to sit and listen to the birds and dogs, and the different sounds of the day coming to life in the city.
As a family, we used to frequent this playground on any given day in the summer. I remember settling both my children into the safety swing when they were under two years of age and giving pretend “under ducks” to them. I say pretend, because giving the real thing was rarely accomplished without me falling flat on my face. They thought they were flying so high in the sky; in all fairness, in their miniature world, five or six feet off the ground was like soaring with the birds.
The little toadstools were often used for “striking a pose” as my kids called it. They would hop from one toadstool to the other, and if I called out, “strike a pose,” they would freeze in the position they landed in. This would often lead to gales of laughter when poses would turn ridiculous with tongues hanging out, eyes big and wide, hands on hips and bums sticking out. They thought they were so funny, and I’d laugh along with them in their playful world and delight in their creativity and energy.
I faced a lot of challenges when it came to the slide. I was never one of those moms that could easily slip down the slide, gracefully, with hair blowing in the breeze, looking beautiful and at ease, while my child sat between my legs giggly with pure joy. I was the parent that got stuck on the slide, not even with my child between my legs; it was just me, all alone. I still maintain they make slides too narrow, it’s never that my hips are too wide. I tease. Despite this, I devoured hours and hours of helping my children up the stairs to the top, settling them and then encouraging them as they anticipated the thrill of the ride to the bottom. I felt the thrill myself, watching their little faces light up with excitement on the way down. Then, once at the bottom, the immediate turn around to go back up and do it all over again was exhilarating. This was often when “boo boos” would occur due to the haste of the endeavor, but, mommy would fix it and off they would go again.
Then there were the engagements with the family pet. Our pet at that time was Nikki; a mixed breed large, black dog that enjoyed the playfulness of our children as much as we did. She would scramble up the equipment, run across bridges and slide down slides, and the more the children laughed, the more she felt invited to continue. What a playful pup! When our beagle Gracie came along, the story was entirely different. Outdoors for her was all about putting her nose to the ground, and sniffing out a rabbit, a gopher and even some rascally birds from time to time. That nose of hers got her into a lot of trouble.
Those days were great! I look back on them fondly and I can honestly say, “I have no regrets!” I am in a different phase in life today; my nest is empty, just like this playground is empty. The truth is though, this playground is in an interim part of the day, and my nest is in an interim part of life. This playground will be full again with children that will come to play, perhaps after school, or mid-afternoon when the air is warmer, parents will be out with their toddlers. My nest isn’t truly empty either, it’s just going through an interim time of its own which leads to renovations of the heart. The kids have grown, and flown away, one is married and the other is on his own adventures, and my nest is only empty for the interim and my heart is under renovations.
What happens when a home is under renovations? We may move things out of the way, pack things up, we may place plastic around the area to prevent dust from settling, just to name a few. And then there are the emotions that come with renovations. For example, we may get grumbly, disengage, express frustration, cry and avoid. But all those can be juxtaposed with the positive emotions such as excitement and anticipation of awaiting the end result.
This is the same for renovations of the heart. That is the season of life I am in right now. I have had to do all the same things that are mentioned above, but I am doing them with my heart. I am having to put the former things aside and adjust to the new. It does come with some tears and frustration and there are times I just want to check out for a while to be alone with my thoughts but at the same time, I await the new experiences that will come while my heart is under renovations. The extra time with my husband and the opportunity to get to know him all over again outside of raising children for starters. Then there is the freedom I have to explore and dive into my creative outlet and experiment with different sewing projects, gardening and the biggest one yet, writing and publishing my first children’s book, which is what led to the start up of this website! I have more time to spend with God, and when I do, everything else falls in place the way it is intended to. I get to connect with friends more often and enjoy activities together, I can volunteer more often, become more active in my community and await the arrival of a future daughter in law and maybe some grandchildren. And when you really look at it in this light, there is no way my nest could ever stay empty.
If we are nurturing the soul the way we are meant to, then we willingly, patiently allow the heart to undergo renovations; we cradle it and care for it throughout the process, and then wait enduringly for the project to be finished. When we come out the other side, we will see that the renovations were necessary, and now we are even more prepared for the next chapter in our lives. My heart is still under renovations; I am truly excited to have it completed, but I will not rush the process. I look forward to getting on with my next chapter and celebrating my once empty, now refilled nest. This is where my journey begins!
Lorraine Janzen